Relationship Remedies

Relationships are one of the most complex situations we will face but they provide one of our top human needs – love and connection.  Conflicts in relationships can quickly cost us our happiness and peace. We are responsible for the understanding or mis-understanding of our verbal and non-verbal communication with others to cultivate healthy relationships.
 
One of the main reasons that relationships suffer is that many people focus on their own wants, needs and preferences and don’t value the same for others. When two people that put their own needs first and are in a relationship with each other, they will find themselves in a power struggle and both will feel their way is the only way – to ‘be right’ all the time. These relationships will often be filled with conflict and misunderstanding.
 
“Attachment to being right creates suffering. When you have a choice, or to be kind, choose kind and watch your suffering disappear” – Wayne Dyer.

If both people in a relationship don’t commit to investing 100% into their relationship, what will happen is that one person ends up giving more and the other gets comfortable with receiving more which causes an imbalance. This imbalance over time, wears on the relationship, bitterness, resentment and mistrust can occur. There are simple practices that can greatly improve our relationships and they all start with working on ourselves first.
 
1.     Communication such as active listening sends a direct message to the other person that we appreciate and value what they have to say. Some of us struggle with paying full attention because we are more focused on how we’re going to respond or on how the conversation is making us feel.  We need to focus on the other person, not so much on ourselves. Having direct eye contact while someone is speaking shows we’re fully engaged. Listening to someone builds trust in the relationship and increases the other person’s self-esteem because they feel valued. Think of active listening like tuning into a radio station. If you don’t find the exact signal, you miss half or all of the message and hear white noise. We need to concentrate on what is said to hear the whole message. 

2.    Mindful speech is another area of communication that can be fine-tuned to improve our relationships.  It is helpful to resist the urge to react mindlessly and immediately to things that others say and do. We are all guilty of saying or doing something wrong at times, and the same goes for others too. None of us are perfect.  Instead, pause and reflect on what was said. Then choose your words carefully. Be sure to say what you mean and mean what you say. In some instances, it is better to say nothing than when you are emotionally charged and responding badly. Avoid doing the following:

• Try to avoid making assumptions or judgements. Our minds can assume all sorts of things and a lot of the time are untrue. Sometimes we have hidden intentions embedded in our message – “sweetheart, weren’t there any nicer jackets in the store?” This is a judgement on the person picking the jacket not on the availability in the store.  Communicate clearly. If you are upset with someone, then speak directly to them about what that is and not go in a roundabout way of verbally offending them. Clear, honest communication is necessary to create trust in relationships.

“When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault that you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself.” – Deepak Chopra

• Separate the behaviour from the person. For example, “You are stupid” The person may have made a mistake but that does not mean they lack intelligence.
• Express your feelings when you are not happy with another person’s behaviour. Don’t attack or offend the other person because they will automatically be put in a position to defend themselves and attack back. For example, don’t say a sweeping statement like “you don’t love me” instead start with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ and express your feelings – “I felt sad when you forgot our anniversary”. This explains to the other person how their actions have impacted you and you are looking for a response, explanation or apology without having to ask for one.
• Don’t read minds. When we assume someone is feeling a certain way, a lot of the time we are wrong and we can cause arguments and tension over nothing.

Example, “you look frustrated”,
“no I’m not”,
“yes you are, it’s obvious”,
“what the hell are you talking about”,
“why are you raising your voice at me?”
“I’m not frustrated”
“stop shouting at me”
 
Whether you are working on a relationship with your partner, or simply looking to have better personal relationships with the people in your life, active listening, mindful speech and awareness are at the core of great relationships. If people want things always their way, it’s not going to work out, it is always about give and take, and always finding a balance. 

Some of us need help in understanding what stops us from change and what keeps us on track to change and stay changed.  If you would like help in applying this to your life, personal or business - please click here to book in a complimentary call with me Schedule-A-Call

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