In this time of social distancing, take time to focus on you, be kind to yourself while being honest. This is a time when you can choose to elevate and support yourself as you create change, evolve, and move in the direction you really yearn. I have shared empowering and disempowering questions below to allow you to see how important it is to ask yourself empowering questions, to be kind, respectful to yourself, which will support you in making positive changes in your life. This in turn will allow you to come out of the situation we all find ourselves in at the moment stronger, more self-aware and ready for the opportunities that will surely await you.
I don’t know about you, but I have been guilty of being a control freak especially when it comes to my family. None of us like to see our loved ones stressed or anxious over events or circumstances and we tend to want to swoop in and fix (control) the outcomes. We have this sense that we have the right answers, solutions to their problems. We truly believe that we know what’s best for them. But this doesn’t feel like that to them. It feels more like we don’t trust them to figure it out for themselves or they don’t make the right decisions. This can create frustration and even resentment towards us.
So, next time you notice yourself wanting to assist loved ones and you believe your way is the right way, consider the following:
Learn to let go of trying to control all of your loved one’s behaviors, decisions, and choices, unless there is a serious situation. Let them know you are available, be there when they ask for help; love and support their choices. Instead of noticing things they are not good at, recognize the things they do very well and do independently of you. When people feel like they are not being judged, doubted or controlled, the result is healthier loving relationships.
If you would like some help with trying to let go of control, please feel free to contact me.
Sometimes we find it difficult to express ourselves in work or our home life. If this is something that has happened to you, fearing that you might be judged when you express yourself, you don’t have to stay that way.
Maybe you learned a long time ago to be “seen and not heard” to keep the peace, and today you still find it hard to find your voice. It is so important for you to realize that your self-expression and opinion matters. When you avoid ‘rocking the boat’ and voicing your opinion, you’re not valuing yourself or your priorities. You are not speaking your truth. By staying quiet, you also play small in life, causing sad feelings and resentment to fester and turning them in on yourself. To gain the respect from others and more importantly, from yourself, you must use the voice you were given – to speak up.
I know that this is easier said than done, especially If you are shy or suffer with social anxiety, this can be quite difficult. Try the following exercise and begin the process of freeing your voice:
Start by writing in a journal about times where you were feeling mad at yourself for not speaking up. Write down what you would have liked to express clearly and assertively in that situation and notice how you feel.
Notice if what you said was helpful, interesting, humorous, useful to others. You will find that this will be the case in most circumstances.
Speak the words you wished you expressed out loud to yourself in private or better still, in front of a mirror. Much like a rehearsal, you will find over time that you become familiar with how you sound.
Get into the practice of hearing yourself express your view, and then try it out with others.
Find your voice, enjoy your contribution and stop being disappointed with the outcomes because you didn’t express your thoughts and opinions. Whether the outcome is the one you wanted or not, you participated, you gave your opinions a voice and an opportunity to be considered.
If you would like some help with communicating assertively, please feel free to contact me.
After just recently buying a car, I’m very diligent in checking my dashboard for any warning signs as I don’t know the full history of the car. My dashboard in my car informs me of how much gas I have left in the engine, do I need more oil, how fast am I traveling and how far I have traveled from A to B. In life, we need a way to track where we are going, how fast we want to get there, are we performing at our optimal level.
Are there any warning signs (obstacles, potential pitfalls) that we need to be aware of that will get in the way of our progress. Are you keeping track of where you are now to where you want to be? What weekly actions are you taking to get your goal/project completed? If you set out to accomplish something in 2019, but have not made progress, or enough progress, there is still time left. Nine times out of ten, I have found that when my clients have failed to move the needle forward, they have failed to set a plan, and track their progress to plan.
Did you set a plan, or did you just set a goal? To be successful, you must do both, and you must measure your progress, and hold yourself accountable to your commitments. Whether or not you achieve your goal completely, if you use this methodology, you will grow, and you will move forward.
If you struggle creating your plan, or holding yourself accountable, getting a coach can help, contact me for details.
Boundaries sounds like a negative – like you need to limit yourself in some way but it’s actually the opposite.
Boundaries are acts of self-care, redefining your own worth, establishing your value. Some of us are givers and our kindness can be taken advantage of by others. Creating boundaries provides a mechanism to help you reestablish your worth, your value, and ensure that you are receiving as much as you are giving. Sometimes it is about limiting the amount of negativity that you encounter. Remember what surrounds you, can become you. The balance boundaries create are essential to wellbeing, and you deserve it.
So, set healthy boundaries this week, look for balance, if others keep repeating the same negative patterns even after you offered support, you have to let go, it is their decision to change, or not. Be aware of your engagements with others, are you receiving as much as you are giving – be mindful of your needs, it’s not only acceptable, its essential for your self-care and happiness.
Your time, your energy are valuable, make sure that everything is not a withdrawal, but that you’re getting deposits in return. Reciprocation is key, you are worth it.
When we view our problems, the obstacles in front of us, as a huge boulder to move before we can get back on track to moving forward, it becomes, far too often, overwhelming. Instead, break down the problems into chunks, because that is usually what they are, an accumulation of problems that form into an unmovable boulder. So, break them down into smaller problems and deal with them one at a time. I know this sounds obvious, but after working with many clients, I see this roadblock to forward motion, over and over.
Every one of us have problems. There is no one that can say that their lives are perfect and that’s okay because if it was perfect all the time, we would not appreciate the good times, we would just take them for granted. We have a range of emotions for a reason – to give us variety so we can experience all sorts of feelings. If you feel your life is happening to you and not for you then maybe you feel you lack control over problems and circumstances? Maybe you feel helpless in your struggles and there is nothing you can do about them? Perhaps you feel a victim of your circumstances?
When you feel that your life is controlled from external forces (outside of yourself), you will always feel like a victim – feeling fearful and anxious because you blame someone else or bad luck for your problems and hoping someone will come along and fix it. The problem with this is, you are putting other people in control of your happiness. In psychological terms this is known as external locus of control (Locus of control originated by Julian Rotter 1954). Thinking this way causes negative feelings, pessimism, anger, resentment, low energy and even ill health. There are two types of locus of control and the other one is internal locus of control (inside of yourself). You feel that you are in complete control of your thoughts, feelings and behavior and the outcomes in life. You believe that life is happening for you and not to you.
Taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behavior gives you complete control to act – your mental, emotional and physical energy will be focused on finding a solution to your dilemmas/problems. Responsibility is what separates the two types of locus control. Once we focus on what we are responsible for, we take action, the fear and anxiety dissipate because we feel in control of our circumstances. We are doing something about it and not sitting waiting for the worst to happen. It provides a great sense of relief and you gain clarity to solving the problem.
We can’t control everything in life, but we can control how we respond to them. Try to find the lesson in each problem and reframe your words – stop using the word ‘problem’ and change it to ‘challenge’ or ‘opportunity’. These are more positive words and don’t sound impossible to tackle.
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them” – Albert Einstein
Stressing about our problems causes us to react in habitual ways and we can’t access our internal resources to find the solutions. So, we need to respond skillfully instead of reacting mindlessly. The following mindfulness technique isn’t to change how you feel but to come out of automatic pilot and bring your awareness to things just as they are. It is to be fully in this moment and be in observation mode rather than reactive mode. Notice the sensation in the body, your thoughts, your emotions – have they changed? It’s okay if they haven’t, you are still doing it right. The idea is to notice and not to change the experience. Through this practice we move the locus of control from being outside of us back to ourselves.
Mindfulness exercise: STOP Technique
S- Stop: for just a moment. Don’t react. Give yourself the gift of brief reflection.
T- Take a breath: Breathe in and out. Track your breath. Sense the chest rising and falling.
O – Observe your experience: Notice the sensations in the body. Observe the thoughts or the story going through your mind and appreciate that thoughts are not facts. Explore your emotions and get a sense of where you are in this moment.
P- Proceed: Move forward in a way that feels right to you and is consistent with your values.
Remind yourself that you only have a problem when you can’t do anything about it. If you are not taking action, you may be making excuses to not do something about it out of fear and feeling powerless. Take your power back and take action. Trust yourself.
If you would like help in applying this to your life, personal or business - please click here to book in a complimentary call with me Schedule-A-Call
When problems appear to surround you, how do you react, what do you do to try to take back control of circumstances that are not as you would like them to be?
When we become overwhelmed, and all of us do from time to time, life can feel like its spiralling out of our control, we lean into our coping mechanisms. All too often, instead of confronting the problem, we distract ourselves by doing something that temporarily allows us to hide, to avoid having to face or deal with the problem. I’m talking about life situations like losing your job, financial worries, health issues, or family conflicts.
In my case, for many years I used cleaning as my distraction, it didn’t matter if the target was already clean. It was a way for me to feel in control, get busy tidying up, wishing I could do the same with my thoughts - put them away somewhere in the back of my mind for another day when I feel I can handle them better. Imagine a snow globe, when you move it quickly, scattering the glitter/snow everywhere in the globe, you cannot see anything in the globe. Similarly, this is what happens in your own mind, your worrying thoughts, like the glitter, fill your head and cloud your ability to think clearly.
Maybe you distract yourself with shopping therapy – you feel that going shopping for another pair of shoes will ease the worrying, the stress that you feel in your mind and body. It feels good to buy a new pair of shoes, a temporary high but by the next day, the bright shiny purchase (shoes) doesn’t sparkle quite so bright anymore and your financial problems, or whatever your problems are, are still there.
Perhaps you distract yourself with emotional eating, eating something sweet adds a little sweetness into your life in the short term. When we are faced with major stressors, we sometimes feel we need to have something to look forward to, a treat. For you it might be chocolate or a tub of ice-cream in front of the T.V. at night. It provides comfort, a distraction, we feel we need to soothe our worrying selves with food.
This survival instinct is deep in all our DNA’s, our brains have been hardwired this way since our days of having to run from Sabretooth Tigers. In order to survive, we learned to avoid things that threaten us and are painful. We move toward things that provides sanctuary, things that give us pleasure and a sense of security. Unfortunately, these distractions, mechanisms to provide temporary pleasure and avoid pain can cause us to live with problems far longer than we ever need to, often never dealing with the problem at all. The very things you use to distract you from your problems, can and often do, become their own problems.
So next time, you find yourself excessively doing any of the above,
1. What am I trying to avoid?
2. Are any of these behaviours helping or are they delaying me acting on the big issues?
3. What resources do I have to manage the problem causing this behaviour? – family, networks, skills.
4. What has worked in the past?
5. What is the hidden lesson behind this hardship?
Exercise: Make space
• Hold a book one inch from your nose – you have limited vision, right? You can only see the book.
• Now move the book to arm’s length – what more do you see? You see more than just the book, right?
The book (representing the problem) hasn’t changed, just the distance, the way you’re holding it – your viewpoint. What areas of your life are working, going well? How will this problem look to you in 6 months from now? 1 year from now? Change your perspective.
When you can create some space between you and the problem, your mind settles and feels clearer, just like the snow in the globe. When the globe is still, the snow settles, and it becomes clear again.
Meditating is another form of quieting and settling your mind down. Brene Brown in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” reminds us, we were made to think from a young age that if we were to stay calm and still it was because we were in trouble and it was a punishment – telling us to “calm down” or “sit still”, “stop fidgeting” were common instructions growing up. Is it any wonder we find meditation so difficult to practice? The payoffs though are worth it.
“You have been assigned this mountain so that you can show others it can be moved.” ― Mel Robbins
If you struggle with the above and need help to stop avoidance and escapism behaviour, please feel free to contact me: Rachel Whyte - ki4Life Coaching
Conflict is conflict, whether it is between a husband and wife, friends, co-workers, or teams, in life and in work, the underlying issues that drive and create conflict are fundamentally the same. In all cases, we are dealing with relationships, perceptions, and significance.
How is conflict broadly defined? Conflict is defined as “strong disagreement between people, groups, etc. that results in often angry arguments, and a disagreement between ideas, feelings, etc.” At its core, conflict is always seen through the eye of the beholder, whether individuals, or groups. Ultimately, resolution can only be found when there is some common agreement on what the problem is. This does not always mean that all will agree on the solution, but the process minimizes the negative aspects of conflict.
I want to talk to you today about how you can stop avoiding conflict, learn how to drive resolutions, and most importantly build better relationships, teams, and friendships.
When conflicts arise, our emotions are triggered and escalate. Our thoughts, feelings and sense of self go into fight or flight mode. When we are in fight mode, we immediately assume the other person is attacking us personally and they are wrong – us versus them mentality and leaves us sometimes misunderstanding the whole disagreement altogether. We can come across as controlling, dominating and lack flexibility. We may simply be unwilling to change.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives nor the intelligent, but rather the one most responsive to change” – Charles Darwin.
We all are unique and have different back stories (upbringings) and cultural backgrounds and some of us, have a passion for conflict. I know growing up in my generation we may have avoided expressing ourselves because of limiting beliefs - “Children are to be seen and not heard”. Conflict is not a bad thing. It’s how we react to it is the issue.
Conflict is inevitable both in work and in life in general. Communication is key in sharing our viewpoints and creating change. It should feel safe to express ourselves and have our opinions heard. The alternative, avoiding conflict altogether, creates resentment that builds over time, eventually spilling over. We all have and will experience conflict but rather than come from a place of fear and apprehension, trust in yourself to be authentic and confident in what you want to disagree on, and know it’s for the greater good of the company, relationship or family. Sometimes, a decision has to be made, and agreeing to disagree, respecting each other, but moving forward anyway is okay too!
“10% of conflicts are due to difference in opinion and 90% is due to the wrong tone of voice” - Anonymous
Engaging in conflict is also showing trust. It is leaving fear behind and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trust the conflict will come to a resolution. It is also showing your family and co-workers that it is safe to engage in conflict and eliminates the eye rolling and avoidance around the topic to go on way longer than it should. Expressing yourself and not feeling guilty about it is the key to great communication and understanding.
Here are a couple of tips to use in times of conflict – these are equally effective in your work environments and in your personal life: -
“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make a difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” William James
We all like to think of anger as a bad emotion but we all know that there are times when anger is good for us. Some get angry but quickly feel defeated, depressed or sad when something doesn’t go to plan, while others use anger to elevate them up and out of their problem or situation and use the adrenaline anger creates to give them the motivation to find a solution.
One is angry and soon becomes a victim while the other is angry at the situation they find themselves in but sees themselves as a survivor and is motivated to change the outcome.
The latter attitude is what makes entrepreneurs successful in their business.
“There’s nothing wrong with anger provided you use it constructively.” – Wayne Dyer
But what if your anger is something you feel you don’t have control over. Is your low self-control effecting your behaviour with others - judging, criticising, disrespectful remarks, lack of kindness and empathy, not listening, making impatient decisions at work – all these behaviours effect you being a successful professional at work and in your personal life.
I was listening to a podcast this past week with a Justin Coulson, PhD. – family psychologist, and author and he was discussing disciplining children – does it help or hurt them? I thought this was a good question to ask ourselves when it came to our low self-control around anger. Does is help or hurt the situation? How will my anger affect the outcome? Will my anger motivate others to work more efficiently? Will I get the result I’m looking for if I get angry over this?
“Never respond to an angry person with a fiery comeback, even if he deserves it...Don't allow his anger to become your anger.” - Bohdi Sanders
Sometimes, it is okay to be angry like I mentioned above but anger doesn’t usually resolve issues when it comes to our relationships with others. It can push people away, antagonise others to get angry too (defence mechanism). It can create fear, hostility and even destroy our relationships.
Self-control is about how we react to people and events. It also effects how others view and experience us and how we work with others. It can either hinder or improve our reputation in the workplace.
“Anger doesn’t demand action. When you act in anger, you lose self-control.” – Joe Hyams
The following exercise was suggested by Geetu Bharwaney in her book “Emotional Resilience”:
Even if you just accomplish the list, you will find you bring awareness to what makes you angry and instead of reacting without thinking, you will respond appropriately. As you can see from the exercise above, we can take back control by taking action. We don’t have control over how others think, speak or behave towards us but we do over ourselves.
“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems — not people; to focus your energies on answers — not excuses.” - William Arthur Ward