“Motivation gets you going, but discipline keeps you growing.” – John C. Maxwell
 
Many of us are looking forward to making changes in 2019 and the start of a year provides great motivation in us to step up and challenge ourselves to try something new or improve ourselves in some way, but we need to have self-discipline.
 
When we are creating new habits like going to the gym, eating healthier or even trying to reduce our daily social media intake, they are not new behaviours that cultivate joy and pleasure in us. They are things we feel we ‘have’ to do or ‘suppose’ to do and cause us pain in the short term but deep down we know that they will have a positive impact in our lives in the long term.
 
So how do we create self-discipline and stick it out to the end to achieve these new habits of behaviour?


1. Firstly, we need to be emotionally invested. We need to imagine how it will feel when we have achieved these new habits, new behaviours.  Imagine how you will feel having more energy. Imagine feeling more confident in a toned, healthy body. Imagine how your skin will feel and look with all the healthy food choices you are putting in your body? Imagine how much closer you will feel to friends and family when you are not distracted by looking down at social media during conversations or at dinner?
 
2. Reframe your reasons for your new habits - Remind yourself of why you are creating this new habit? Why you feel it will improve your life? why you want to be slimmer, fitter?  Why you want to spend less time on social media?

• You are not going to the gym to work out, you are going to the gym to get in shape, to tone up, to look more attractive, to increase your self-confidence!
• You are not eating healthier to lose weight, you are eating healthier to have more energy, and live a healthier life.
• You are not spending less time on social media because you are addicted, you are spending less time on social media sites to spend more quality time with people face to face, to enjoy being in the company of others more.

 
3. Get organised - If you are planning to get fitter or healthier:

• Prepare snacks and lunches ahead of time so they are easy to grab on your way out the door.
• Have your gym bag packed and ready the night before – you are priming your mind too ahead of time, so it will be ready for the gym. 
• Organise your pantry with only healthy snacks and remove any temptations or sugary drinks.
• Schedule in your new habit of going to the gym or eating healthier in your calendar ahead of time. Having these new tasks or habits scheduled, they can’t be forgotten or overlooked.

 
4. Review your progress: Check in regularly on how you are getting on with these new habits/goals. Are you sticking to your schedule? If not, why not, do you need to re-arrange your week? Are you sticking to your healthy eating? If you had an off day, that’s okay. Just start afresh the next day and carry on, don’t give up on the whole week over just one bad day. None of us are perfect so don’t expect to be when you are creating these new habits. It takes time and repetition for new habits to become embedded.
 
5. Reward Yourself:  When we have achieved something in the past – whether it was at home, school, college, or work, we were rewarded for things that we accomplished. These rewards, be it a certificate, an award ceremony, a trophy or a plaque of recognition, all contributed to positive feelings about ourselves - our self-belief and self-worth escalated. They are memories we cherish, so it’s important to reward yourself even for the small gains, the small wins as you embed these new changes. You are creating new neural pathways in your brain for success. The rewards don’t have to be big. Maybe, have lunch out with a friend, have a spa night at home – bubble bath and relaxing music.
 
Self-discipline is the number one behaviour for success to achieve any new habit or goal. When you do the above, you reframe change from something you have to do, to something you want to do, and look forward to completing.
 
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer
 
Be kind, loving and supportive of yourself for 2019!

This is the time of year when we feel pressured to set new resolutions, to do things differently. The reality is that most people do not accomplish their new year’s resolution, most failing to get past January. Change for you can never be about others pushing you to change, even for all the right reasons. Change for you must be something you really desire and are personally committed to.

• Do you choose to be a participant or remain an observer of your own life?
• Do you choose to spend more time in healthy relationships or not?
• Do you choose to learn and grow or remain stuck?

 
Too often change is focused on stopping or limiting something in your life, when what you should be focused on, is growing, living your authentic life. As you step into the change that you desire, there will be challenges, the worst ones are the challenges inside your own head.

• “This is just too hard”?
• “I’m not good enough”.
• “What if I fail”?

 
These are only a few examples, but if YOU have decided you want to change, you can do it, you are good enough, and you might trip, slip or miss a beat, but get up, learn from it and keep moving forward – this is what growing is, this is what success looks like.
 
Some of us need help in understanding what stops us from change and what keeps us on track to change and stay changed.  If you would like help in applying this to your life, personal or business - please click here to book in a complimentary call with me Schedule-A-Call
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Whatever is going on in your life currently, the following exercise is a lovely way to reflect on your year!
 
We are near the end of the year and preparing for the holidays with family and friends. It is a time for giving, sharing time together and attending social events.  But there are some of us that struggle at this time of year.  No matter, how hard your year may have been, there are always good things - blessings you’ve had throughout the year.
 
When we remind ourselves of all the things that we are grateful for, they help create positive neurons in our brain. The phrase “Neurons that fire together, wire together” was phrased by Canadian neuropsychologist, Donal Hebb in 1949. It means that every thought, feeling, physical experience we have forms a neural network. When we repeat certain thoughts, tasks over and over, the brain learns this new way as being the new normal. The more we are grateful, the more ingrained this practice becomes and the easier it is for our brains to automatically process gratitude.
 
“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow” -  Melody Beattie 
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What if Thanksgiving wasn’t one day in the year?
Use an old jam (jelly) jar or mason jar with a bunch of coloured sticky notes.  Sit down in the evening for 5-10 minutes each night for the next few weeks and look back over this past year and write down the things that you are grateful for that you experienced during the year.  It doesn’t take long.  This is a fun project to share with your kids and loved ones. I have done this with my family and we have used Thanksgiving Day to open our jars and read several of them out loud to everyone at the dinner table.  This jar of gratitude notes can be opened on New Year’s Eve or even on New Year’s Day before the beginning of a New Year!  You will be amazed at how quickly you will fill up your jar. They are also a wonderful keepsake to have to look at years from now as reminders of all the many small things that make your life a blessing.
 
My youngest daughter used this idea to give as a gift to her best friend when they were 10 years old. Instead of what my daughter was grateful for during the year, she wrote on the sticky notes, all the things she was grateful for in her best friend. All her great qualities and how she valued their friendship. She gave it to her friend on her birthday.  I also received one on my birthday from my daughter and it is very special to me. There is nothing like getting a jar full of positive statements of love about you to cheer you up!  This can be done for your partner or spouse too to show them you appreciate them and love them. 
 
Happy Thanksgiving to you all this week!

If you would like help in applying this to your life, personal or business - please click here to book in a complimentary call with me Schedule-A-Call​

“Honesty is the fastest way to prevent a mistake from turning into a failure.” – James Altucher
  
In one of my recent Vlogs, I talked about blaming others when we find ourselves overwhelmed with challenges. We don’t take responsibility for our actions and act like a victim, helpless to our situation.
 
When we make mistakes, we do the same – we try to blame others because it’s just too painful to feel like we failed. But if we don’t take responsibility for our mistakes, we avoid all the learnings. We must admit our mistakes, be accountable for our actions, move away from blame and move towards understanding what went wrong. There is no shame in making mistakes, only in not learning from them. Many of us feel when we fail, we are failures, when we make a mistake, we are a mistake. This is of course not true but the shame of failing sometimes is so great, it feels that way.
 
Mistakes are a learning opportunity but in learning, one must be willing to be completely honest about the facts. Learning requires ownership – I allowed this to happen knowing or unknowingly. I need to figure out what went wrong, unemotionally, and understand why whatever happened, happened!
 
Don’t compare the next time with the last time because the situation won’t be the same. Every situation will have a different outcome when new learnings from previous mistakes are applied.
 
Change your perspective – making mistakes is showing you are trying new things, experimenting and being courageous. If you never make a mistake, never take risks, you are not growing and developing your true potential.
 
How many of us have failed at something we are attempting to do, accomplish, or achieve? The correct answer is all of us – everyone of us fail from time to time. What do you do when you make a mistake? Do you give up, move on to something else or do you dust yourself off and start over?
 
Successful people certainly do the latter – develop resilience, tenacity and have a ‘can do’ mentality. Mistakes/failing is not the end but rather a bump in the road, a stumbling block, something to be avoided in the future.  Mistakes reviewed equals possible future successes. Lessons learned builds resilience, leads to a growth mindset and creativity in individuals who cannot be kept down or held back.
 
So next time you find something failed or a mistake was made, ask yourself:

• Did I give myself enough time to complete the project or task?
• How would I do the project next time, based on what I learned?
• Did I share my lessons with anyone, get another person’s perspective?
• What do I need to do to insure I don’t repeat my mistake?

 
There will be any number of questions that arise after your review, but that is good, take the time to answer the questions – these will help you create your roadmap to avoid similar failures, and future success. Taking responsibility is always key, and the more you review, the more you will make improvements and grow.

If you would like help in applying this to your life, personal or business - please click here to book in a complimentary call with me Schedule-A-Call​

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
- Jimmy Dean

Have you been trying so hard to start something new, something different, but every time you feel like you have a little momentum…you hit a wall, find an obstacle, someone tells you it won’t work, or you’re not the right fit. “Headwinds”, or “No wind” beneath your sails, one will stop you cold the other will leave you sitting there bobbing around in the proverbial ocean, going nowhere. These analogies truly reflect life, there are always things, stuff, people that can and quite often get in your way of progress. 

There are times when we feel something is missing or we drifted off course in life. This is when the universe is giving us a little nudge to let us know we need to do something different, to change things up. Where do you start? 

Why not start by examining and writing down your values?
•             What you would like to have more of? – love, significance, variety, certainty, growth, fun, health. 
•             What area of your life needs attention? – work, home, family, friendships, etc.
•             When you list at least 10 values?
•             Rank your list from 1 – 10
You now know what values are at the top of your list.

Knowing what really matters to you is a helpful start to setting a new course, discovering what needs changing in your life.  Understand what excites you and what is important to you. Your values help you to make decisions every day. They are what steers us toward or away from experiences, relationships, even your life purpose. Knowing your values enhances self-awareness, you also gain clarity and focus on what direction you wish your life to be heading so you can take committed action.

Our values are not goals. They are not something we gain, buy or compete for. A new job, car, wealth, or big house may be things we work towards owning but these are goals. Our values we already own. They are part of how we wish to be with others, and in our environment.  Our values are our qualities that we bring to the actions we wish to take.  Our personality is made up of our values, what we wish to portray and stand for as a parent, worker, wife/husband, friend, leader, entrepreneur etc.  Values such as, honest, supportive, focused, team player, trustworthy, compassionate, organised, reliable, and loving.

If we align with our values, we will be happier and more productive to be our best selves, we know where to point our boat. We will feel and look more relaxed, authentic and not something that we are attempting to do or ‘trying’ to be but something that we naturally are. Our efforts will have more meaning to us and in turn will improve our health and overall well-being.

So how do your values connect to your actions and goals in your life? How does knowing your values help you when deciding to change a part of your life you are not happy with?

Ask yourself:
•             What personal qualities or strengths do you want to demonstrate in your work environment?
•             How do you want to behave in your relationships?
•             What do I want to stand for in the face of this challenging situation?
•             What work improving skills would you like to develop?
•             What qualities would I like to have with my family, co-workers, or friends?
 
Perhaps you would like to show leadership qualities such as patience, active listening, supportive skills. Maybe instead of just listing being ‘patient and more supportive’ you could take an action of setting a specific time each week and sit down with your team one on one to let them discuss concerns they may have. Will this help improve your job? Yes, by showing your colleagues you care, and they matter, it will improve productivity. You will be making more of an impact and will uplift and inspire you to add more values to your connection with others.

Our values change when our goals change. As an example: you get a promotion at work, your top values may have changed from health/fitness, adventure to contribution, responsibility, power. That is not to say, one day, it would not change back.  If you have found true love, your top values may now be intimacy, respect and trustworthiness. Our values are never completed like goals. We change and grow all the time.

Values are central to who you are and who you want to become. Life decisions are made easier when you know what you value most. Your values allow you to navigate your journey in life, and sail through any rough waters.

If you would like help in applying this to your life, personal or business - please click here to book in a complimentary call with me Schedule-A-Call​

“I can’t be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

Resilience is being able to experience trauma, loss, high levels of stress and uncertainty, such as problems with health, financial security or work related overwhelm and have the ability to bounce back and continue to move forward in life rather than allowing these experiences to take them down a rabbit hole of despair and hopelessness. I was inspired to write about resilience recently because I have been impressed with several people I know that are demonstrating resilience and may not even be consciously aware of their strength.
 
One of them is struggling with long term health issues, suffering a lot of pain and limitations, but powers through each day with determination and grit.  My friend demonstrates resilience in the same ways that Rolbieki et al (2017) described in his patients who suffer with chronic pain and they are:

1. Actively researching for remedies and treatments with the help of their doctors
2. Getting involved and trying new medical and complimentary therapies
3. Developing social connections and support groups
4. Acceptance of pain and positive effect.

 
Instead of feeling “life is not fair”, my friend is proactive in making her life more manageable and tolerable by educating herself in what could improve it.
 
I have to give credit to my daughter’s resilience. She is only in her early twenties, recently moved to the opposite side of the country in the US for work after College.  Red tape relating to the rental of her new apartment in New York resulted in her moving from Airbnb to Airbnb every few days for a Month. All of this resulting in a big expense, along with dragging cases from one accommodation to the next, not know how long issues with her rental would last, and all the time keeping up with her work schedule.  
 
New York is a fast paced, stressful place at the best of times, not knowing where you’re going to stay every few days only multiplied the stress. When I would ask how she was doing, she would just say “it is what it is” and understood it was a temporary problem. She did not express suffering but acceptance of the problem. In order to cope with the high stress, she immediately explored the new neighbourhoods she found herself in, and what they had to offer – being a Journalist Grad, coffee shops and book stores were her favourite. She found the upside to being unsettled and found her adventurous side come out.
 
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” – Mary Anne Radmacher

Resilience helps us balance when we express our emotions or set our emotions aside to better focus on what needs to be done. This flexibility allows us to take stock of the situation, reserve energy for the task at hand, and remain solution focused versus problem focused.
Building resilience that works for one person might not work for another. We don’t all react the same way in stressful situations and demands.  Here are a few suggestions:

1.  ​Incorporate healthy habits: such as exercise, staying hydrated, meditate or have quiet time alone. Eat a balanced diet so when stressful time arise, and they will, you are better prepared and primed to withstand the added demands. Find ways to laugh.
2. Write it down: Some people find it helpful to write in a journal on how they feel during tough times. When we return and read it again a week later, we can get perspective. It also helps with our sleep to data dump on paper, so we can sleep more peacefully.
3. Accept change: change is inevitable. We don’t always like it or want it or even have any control over it but we control how we react to it. Remind yourself, this too will pass.
4. Seek out support: Be proactive in making connections to help support you in your efforts and goals. Knowing you are not alone in stressful times and getting advice from others lessens the pressure.
5. Cultivate a positive mindset: Particulary on your own self-worth, your strengths. You are more capable and resilient than you ever give yourself credit for.
6. Practice empathy: When you can be conscious of others feelings, situations and dilemmas, you can perhaps put your own stresses and frustrations in perspective. Also, you will understand that sometimes, people react impulsively because of their stress and you will not take things so personal yourself. You may also recognise a part of you in them when you are stressed. Take time to observe others empathically.

 
When you develop resilience, you can handle the unexpected, the tragedies, losses and fearful changes in the world much better.

If you would like help in applying this to your life, personal or business - please click here to book in a complimentary call with me Schedule-A-Call​
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For those of us who are parents, we try our best every day to do right by our kids, to support, guide and love them unconditionally. When it comes to the teenage years, it can be difficult to speak the same language as one another.  Teenagers are coming into their own, feeling more willing, confident and ready to be more independent from us. They have a mind of their own when it comes to making decisions. We still, however, have an important role to play as parents or guardians, and although we are not trying to stifle their independence, we still need to guide them and share our own life experience and wisdom. This also applies to any adults who must work with or engage with teens in their lives or careers.

It’s not always easy to know how to say what we mean and mean what we say with the words we use. It is as though we speak a different language than our teens.

When we are trying to be helpful by offering solutions or alternatives, we tend to begin our sentences with:
• “Have you tried doing …………”
• “Would it be a good idea if you ………….”
• “Should you ask someone else ………….”

The issue with these types of questions is that they come from the parent’s agenda and not the teenagers. They suggest there is a right answer and usually that is the one the parent is thinking of. The other disadvantage to this type of question is you’re not having a dialogue, a connection because there tends to be just one-word answers – yes or no. We are making suggestions to help but a lot of time, teens don’t want our help. So, we need to learn how to ask the right type of questions, so it looks like they came up with the solutions themselves.

‘Why’ questions can also cause defensiveness as it may appear to the teenager you are analysing their decisions.
• “Why did you decide to stay out late?”
• “Why have you not done your homework?”
• “Why haven’t you cleaned your room?”

It also may appear that your focus is to judge their motivation.  Most of the time, the response would be “I don’t know” “I forgot”.  Don’t be surprised if your teenager stomps off or becomes angry. Putting someone on the defence can alert the Amygdala (fight, flight or freeze) part of the brain, the area that when someone feels threatened in some way, sets off chemicals to make someone react to the attack, causing anger or an energy outburst (stomping off).

Teenagers attention can be difficult to capture at the best of times especially for a parent, so avoid long and multiple-type questions for example:
• “So, when did you find out that Johnny wasn’t going – when you were over in Sally’s house or at school? Any idea why he’s not going?”

This can be overwhelming and confusing. Again, with this type of question, they may feel interrogated. Ask only one question at a time. Put yourself in their shoes. Remember when you were a teenager how you would baulk at the thought of entering the front door knowing you were going to be bombarded with questions about what you had been doing all day. You probably rolled your eyes and attempted to sneak in without being noticed to avoid being interrogated.

Keep questions simple: They should be short & They should start with “what” “who” “how”
• “What homework have you tonight?”
• “Who went with you last night?”
• “What was your favourite class today?”
• “How tired were you today?”

These types of questions usually require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. They have no agenda, no suggestions, no judgement. They simply are creating a dialogue, an interest, a concern, and your teen knows you are available to listen.

They should avoid starting with “I” 
• “I thought it would be a good idea if ………”
• “I want you to ………..”

Instead perhaps starting with:
• “Maybe/perhaps It would be helpful if ……..”
• “Is it possible for you to ………..?”

The teenager will feel like we recognize that their time is valuable, and we are respectful and considerate of it.  We are speaking and respecting them as young adults and are allowing them to step up and be more independent by finding their own solutions to some of the questions.

You cannot change others, you can only change yourself, but as you change, it changes the communication and the relationship for the positive.

This communication style is helpful with teens and works equally well with adults.

If you would like help in applying this to your life, personal or business - please click here to book in a complimentary call with me Schedule-A-Call​